That being said, I also believe on a personal level that retaining some individuality or “me-ness” in any relationship, even marriage, is important. I do think marriage involves a lot of compromise, sacrifice, and understanding, and that in a lot of ways I will give up some of my independence. I don’t think that means I have to give up my individuality, though. I know I wouldn’t appreciate it if my husband expected me to, and I don’t think Kellen would appreciate it if I did it, either. It’s good to have some interests apart, good to have things to do outside of your marriage. Considering that almost every couple I know doesn’t share each other’s thoughts on every topic, and many of them have very healthy, long-lasting marriages, I have a hard time buying that the only successful relationships are those where the couples are of one mind. In fact, I would argue that if your expectation going into marriage is that you are always going to be of one mind, that your husband is going to be able to finish all your thoughts, you are in for a rude awakening. While it is certainly important to share many of the same values and at least some of the same interests, while it is critical to have the same goals in life, I think it’s also important to have some space (whether mental or physical) to call your own in your life. A marriage is only happy if both people are satisfied not only with the relationship, but also with yourselves. I will always need some space to be my own person. The awesome thing is, I know my partner not only respects that, but genuinely appreciates that I am like that.
I think I may have made what I said a little confusing. I am not at all advocating a loss of individuality. I think this is where the problem comes in. People do not understand that you can be one without losing yourself. For example, let me use my parents. They are the closest and most successful couple I know (just so you don’t think I’m being biased because they are my parents I have heard this from literally hundreds of people who have met or know them). They do everything together, they call each other over two dozen times a day, they don’t make a decision without consulting the other partner, they have no secrets, no “separate hobbies” (which I believe is a recipe for disaster, unless you are a loner you will find “someone” to engage with in that hobby), and they love each other with the deepest kind of love. That being said, my father is an intense intellectual. He eats books, he writes books, he can talk about philosophy, history, biology, etc for hours on end. My mother? She is a real and practical woman. She likes number and reality tv and Nicholas Sparks. Did she lose all this when she married my dad? No, she is still that person. Did my dad become less intellectual? No. That’s not what I’m saying here. I’m saying that part of the success of their marriage is that my mum can watch Celebrity Rehab right next to my dad as he reads Nicomachean Ethics for the fiftieth time. Together but each their own. That is my point. I don’t want to get lumped in with “my hubby and I” syndrome type girls. I am a strong woman with my own opinions, beliefs, and likes and dislikes but as much as I can I try to be one with my husband and not fight to “be me.” He lets me be me and us at the same time. It is possible.
