jgh:
Ah, Mr and Mrs: how homely, how familiar, how quaint. You see, I will never become a Mrs, and I will never take my husband’s name. If pushed, I choose Ms, but otherwise I will always be me. First name. Surname. It startles me that so many women of my generation never question this bizarre ritual. As soon as a woman signs the marriage register she assumes a new identity. It may be merely symbolic, but it’s that symbolism that most jars with today’s notions of equality.I’m all for equality—really, I am—but doesn’t equality also mean that women can choose to adopt their husband’s name as their own? Isn’t that the very idea of freedom that feminists claim they want so badly? Or is feminism really “women can do anything, as long as it goes along with our ideology”?
The problem, Fredda, is the premise - that marriage can be equal.
Marriage as we know it* is a fundamentally unequal institution. This makes a lot of people uncomfortable - they take the premise as a personal insult. It makes me uncomfortable. But it’s true. Although legal equality has been achieved (except for teh pesky gheys!), there are still far-reaching, bad social implications of marriage we have yet to extricate.
Some small examples: the expectation that a man must be the breadwinner. That a woman must take on the burden of domestic care even if she’s working 80-hr weeks. The idea that a husband “babysits” his own children. The treatment of marriage decisions as a “market”, making conditional capitalism out of unconditional love.
But!
*Note that I said “as we know it” - I believe in the power of a culture to change its institutions, and I think - hope!- that our generation will change the face of marriage. Pair-bonding is a concept that has evolved over time as society ethically progresses.
The tradition of taking a man’s last name is a vestige of the time when women were literally and legally chattel. I don’t begrudge a woman’s choice, especially if she identifies the choice as subverting a dominant paradigm. But when a woman’s choice happens to be the exact same choices that culture has been forcing on her for generations, I question the extent of freedom informing that choice.
Were I to marry, I’m keeping my last name - I’m proud of my family heritage. But I understand why a couple might want to share a last name, or create their own. It’s a tough situation since the practice is a literal reminder of fundamentally unequal times, but the desire of an identity marker - a tribal symbol, a family stamp - still remains.
Being recently married and haven taken my husband’s name I’d like to share a little on the subject. To me this issue is very simple. If taking his name makes you uncomfortable and is such a big deal… then don’t. I think its silly to think that any woman that takes her husband’s last name is somehow degrading herself. Why did I take my husband’s last name? Because I like the way it sounds, because I like the idea of it, and because I love my husband dearly. I think that there are much bigger problems when it comes to marriage and equality than a last name. If that is the only problem then you are probably doing quite well for yourself. Equality is not in a name, a word, or a piece of paper. It is solely in how you treat each other. Notice I say each other. The expectation that men must somehow repent for past sins by “respecting” and “honoring” their wife makes it seem like she doesn’t owe him as much. Equality means both partners respecting, honoring, and valuing each other. If you want him to do the dishes and laundry you should be prepared to take out the trash and wash the car. Or maybe you don’t care about him doing the dishes. That should be ok too. To me true equality means that there is no matter in what you do either way.
P.S. I have to reiterate what I have said a million times if you are still holding on to any “me-ness” you will have a very hard time in marriage. The only successful marriages I have witnessed were ones where you couldn’t tell where one partner’s thoughts ended and the other’s began. Oneness in marriage is key and by being adamant about retaining your name in order to preserve you “me-ness” you are heading for problems. Marriage is based on oneness and complete unselfishness. If you are constantly fighting to retain “your own” in marriage sooner or later you will get exhausted and give up. Marriage makes no sense in that sort of light. Marriage only makes sense when both partners are willing to come together for the greater good of the marriage.
The only reason I stress this so much is because like I have said I have seen this to be the most significant contributor to a successful marriage and I wish a happy marriage upon each and every single couple.
