For something totally pretty?

One word: derby.

I don’t have:

• A nice house.
• The perfect job.
• Expensive shoes.
• A fancy car.
• Financial stability.
• Cable.
• Expensive furniture.
• Tons of friends.
• Popularity.

I do have:

• The love of my life who I wake up with every morning.
• Great health.
• Parents that love me more than I think is humanly possible.
• The BEST dog in the whole world.
• A sense of who I am.
• A friend that knows when I need her without me telling her.
• Enough money to pay our bills and even have a little something left for frivolities.
• Real Housewives on Hulu.
• A smart and supportive brother.
• My faith that reminds me that He’s never let me down before and He won’t do it now.

How about you? What do you have that gets you through?

Sometimes all the positive thinking in the world won’t help.

Sometimes you just need to cry, and cry, and cry.

Sometimes laughing at how pathetic you are is the only thing that keeps you from crying.

Sometimes sleep is the best medicine.

Sometimes looking through old pictures can be just the thing to keep you going another day.

Sometimes all you can do is stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Sometimes you realize that life isn’t fair, easy, or fun.

And sometimes you just keep going anyway.

I received the following question the other day in response to my post about marriage and relationships: How do you balance hanging out with your single girlfriends when you are in a serious relationship?

This is a tough one. This very issued caused a lot of problems for us as a couple. Not so much on my end (due to many moves over the course of my life I don’t have a lot of girlfriends, really just one, Jackie, and she is married) but on my husband’s.

My husband has a very tight knit group of friends that he has known since preschool. They are incredibly loyal to each other and have dynamics similar to what you would find in a family (mother, father, and siblings). I went into the relationship knowing this. However, I did not know that our relationship would become such a divisive issue.

It started well enough. I tried my best to be friendly and fun. I invited them over for get togethers, I learned their interests (golf and other sports) and I tried to be as supportive as possible. However, the closer Kevin and I grew the more friction it caused between him and his friends.

It started to come to a head around the time we got engaged. We were together almost all the time (other than when we were in school or working) partly due to missing each other throughout the day but also because planning a wedding required a lot of time and work. They began to get offended that Kevin could no longer spend as much time with them.

We figured that with time and maybe after the wedding things would get better but they only got worse.

After the wedding our schedules got very hectic. We were both in school and working full time. Some nights we didn’t get to see each other until we rolled into bed. On the weekends we agreed that each side of our family would get one day, often that would leave us with only one day on the weekend to really spend with each other. It became harder and harder for me to accept golfing trips that I knew would last the whole day and by the time we would see each other it would be time to start the week all over again.

Things finally blew up. We were forced to go our separate ways, it was very tough for Kevin and it was painful for me to watch. However, since the incident he has been able to reconcile with them. They understood that with Kevin being in a marriage it was not realistic to put the same expectations on him as you would on a single friend. Kevin is elated that he can have his friends back and they have been incredibly respectful and accommodating with us.

The best recommendation I would give is be supportive of each other and your friends. However, be clear on who is your priority. Your actions speak louder than words and constantly “picking” your friends over your partner or spouse will leave them feeling alone and angry. Make sure that you are openly discussing this subject on a regular basis. Years into our relationship I found out how all this was wearing down Kevin and because he felt like the “guilty” partner he felt like he couldn’t share that and it was starting to overwhelm him. Even though you may be upset, and rightfully so, make sure you still hear your partner out because it is a struggle for them too.

When you become your own family things become very different than when you were simply “dating.” You have a mass of responsibilities that weren’t there before like bills, taking care of a home, emergencies, work, and others; you may have dealt with this while being single but now that you’re a family all of this doubles. For some couples it becomes hard to even carve out some time for each other not to mention friends and family. Time becomes very valuable and any therapist will tell you that time spent together and communication are key ingredients for a successful relationship.

Some people feel that merely living together is “enough” time spent together and use the majority of their free time for friends or “alone time.” My dad would always say “You can live with an armoir or even a goldfish but you cannot expect to just be “around” your spouse or partner and think that that will be enough to sustain you.” Relationships take work and daily investment. If consistently putting your relationship number one over friends, work, family, and entertainment is not something you are ready to do I would rethink being in one.

Without vigilant attention to your relationship your partner can just become a piece of furniture in your house. A serious relationship or marriage is a big commitment, it’s also a big change. It especially will change a lot of relationships around you. When you were young you spent all your time with your parents, siblings and friends. Ideally speaking your partner should be all of those things to you and more. Thus it is impossible to be able to think that you can continue devoting just as much time to all those other people.

Believe me, I struggle with this too. I have days when I would love to just shuffle around my parent’s house like I used to, take my mug of tea and go sit in their bed and talk until three in the morning but it just isn’t realistic anymore. I think the most important thing to realize that just because the circumstances may have changed and the amount of time you can spend has changed it does NOT mean that how you feel about them has changed. It is important to still make sure that they hear and see that they are still important and valuable to you. Whether it be a phone call a few times a week, regular emails, or a small gift here and there.

Something that I’ve found also helps is finding couples that are understanding of your new situation. Couples who do not have unrealistic expectations for you and are simply glad to see you whenever that is, whether once a month or once a week.

This is my personal experience, I am not promoting this as the way or the only way. I’m just saying that this is what has been our experience and what works for us.

How about you? How have you learned to balance your single friends and your relationship?

*As always you may email me your questions, write them in the comments, or use the “ask” feature. You may write in anonymous questions on weekends (fri-sun).